We are not the same I am a martian

O Mary, open your eyelides.
I am in the domain of silence,
the kingdom of the crazy and the sleeper.
There is blood here
and I have eaten it.
O mother of the womb,
did I come for blood alone?
O little mother,
I am in my own mind.
I am locked in the wrong house.

To belong, fit in, have a person, place, or thing you can point to and say "that's me". That's what we all want, is it not? I feel I will never belong anywhere, a definitive emotion i've had since I can remember. One of the very few childhood memories I actually have is of walking outside my house at dusk, picking the flowers, they were dying. I would get so upset over these withering petals I would sob uncontrollably, so sad over the plants leaving this world. They didn't deserve it, so precious, so fragile.
       Now, an odd fifteen years later this memory makes so much more sense. Of course the death of the innocent flowers made me so despairing. I saw myself in them. Powerless against the all-powerful man, the sun. The thing the whole world revolved around.Nothing was safe.
        Today is Easter, I spend time with my family, I go to church, even though church sometimes can induce extreme nausea in me. I look at these people, and I see the things that tie me to them. When you remove the monster, the castle is a much more welcoming place. Feelings of helplessness, anger, resentments, they rise up, mostly out of habit, however I am learning to recognize those feelings for what they are, and when they are from. Now, things are different. Now, the house that I come home to is not a decrepit, termite eaten piece of shit with dogshit and old bathtubs in the backyard. It is a warm place, that always smell of something freshly baked. Now my mother is not the police, she is what she is supposed to be, my mama. Now my siblings look my way and see ME, how i perceive things greatly impacts the way the world around me looks. Familys are such complicated units, everyones is, mine especially. But family is essential, they share your blood, they've been in your life the whole time you've had one, and that means alot. How many people did you know ten years ago that still call you? My nephews give me hope. Small glimmers of  a life not riddled with despair, they have a chance. They are not doomed. Maybe, just maybe, i'm not either.