Thursday, February 16, 2012

i should be sleeping

I should be sleeping, but i'm not. "sleep when the baby sleeps" This is the advice i've gotten most. Except it's not so easy. I've never been a napper. In fact, other than my pregnancy, napping was a skill I could never quit accomplish. I can lay fitfully on the couch for a couple hours, but I need all lights and noise off, doors locked and closed, and nocturnal hours to really get to that wonderful blissfully ignorant place called sleep.
So what does that mean for someone like me? I feel like i'm seventeen again. Lost in a sea of sleep deprivation, depressed, confused, and abandoning all sense of giving a rats ass. Add to this taking care of a newborn. Which it so happens is a 24/7 job. No, i do not have postpartum depression. I am not plagued by images of my baby slamming against a wall, i don't fantasize about leaving my family, this is just me returning to me. All those zen pregnancy hormones have gone.
Again everyone has an opinion, has a task they'd like to take over, a song they want to hear. I'm dancing to six different tunes. It isn't easy, but it's familiar.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Be still and know that I am God

warning: may be offensive to those of monotheistic religions, particularly a judeo christian one


Sometimes, I can think rationally. Even more rarely I actually get around to meditating, when I do a common mantra i use is
"Be still and know that I am God."

Because of it's blatant biblical associations, usually I take off the god part on the end. But it's all good. The whole thing. I know I'm taking it out of context, but each tiny sentence in this sentence is full of wonderful truth.

Be still.
With all the chaos in this world. My family, my new immediate family, my five personalities, I tend to forget to do this. Sometimes I don't need  to take another xanax, sometimes I just need to be still. Just breathe. Don't worry about doing anything else but being.

Be still and know.
This is the next good part, i don't need to define what it is I know, purely the fact that I know it. Know that you are capable, know that you have the power, the godness within you to trust your instincts and navigate through whatever waters are testing you.

Be still and know that I am God.
Yes, I'm being blasphemous. I'm not saying that I am the one and only god, i'm saying that there's godness, goodness, genuine love and purity in every living thing. In and of itself everything is as it should. It's always a choice whether made by myself or others that corrupts this.

I say this over and over in my head. Be still and know that I am God.Be still and know that I am God.Be still and know that I am God.