Wednesday, October 10, 2012

but a whimper

Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death’s dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer— 
This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man’s hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death’s other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.
 The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death’s twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.
 Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
                                Life is very long
 Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
 This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

My migraines are holding me hostage

Lately i've increasingly been living in the fear that I'll wake up with a migraine. Not your my head hurts suuuper bad so ill just lay down with a pillow on it, i'm talking puking in a bucket every three minutes can't hear because my ears are ringing so loud, double vision type migraine. This has been happening at least twice a week. I see a neurologist  but so far all he's given me is a bunch of pills that don't work and make me feel like i'm on fire. I am completely nonresponsive to triptans. The day before yesterday he gave me injections in the back of my head  that turned my scalp numb but my actual headache worse. My hips are always sore from getting shots to abort my migraines, it's expensive and incredibly frustrating to have to go to the dr so much but that's the only way i know so far that I can get relief.
   My neurologist said he's not sure what else to do with me besides enroll me in a headache clinic and possibly give me botox. I feel like giving up on ever feeling better again. Mentally I'm not doing good either which aggravates my migraines which aggravates my mental illness. I'm on one terrible merry-go-round. My quality of life would be zilch if I didn't have my son to think about and brighten my day. There's no way i could work right now, my migraines are ruining my life. I've tried ice, heat, hot showers, cold showers, staying away from hard cheeses and yogurts, drinking excesssive amounts of water, drinking alot of caffeine, multiple medications that have all been ineffective. Living like this is not living. I need some help in a major way but i have no idea where else to turn.

Monday, July 30, 2012

im the little fish in my own pond

"there's been a disconnect since you got out of the hospital, with me, with your friends even with your mom."

I wish I could contest this but it's spot on. I'm losing so much time i think i'm gonna have to keep a log book of what i'm doing every couple of hours just so i can monitor how much time i am losing. I've cancelled appointments with my therapist, lost money, even whole days without realizing it. It's my life yet i'm not the one calling the shots right now. The scariest part is usually whenever im having a huge problem with disasociating it's because there's new memories trying to surface. I don't need any new memories. The abuse i remember is more than enough for me. Justin works nights so we try and get people to babysit me while he's gone so i don't do anything too irrational. Mostly i find myself just sitting on the couch looking at the tv, not watching it, just staring at it.I don't think I even change the channel.

Judging just by the dreams i've been having the likelihood of my doing something really destructive just keeps escalating. I don't like it but i feel so helpless, i'm the little fish just swimming around, trying to stay out of the way, trying, just to stay.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Leave the bourbon on the shelf

tic toc goes the clock
nice ring says the queen
no matter how you put it
were still doing the same damn thing.

There's an interesting dynamic going on with my alters right now. I'm switching alot, I'm not losing time but i'm definitely switching more than I think most people around me realize. A few weeks ago pandora's box was opened, and now there's no stopping it. I'm not uncomfortable with it at all. It doesn't feel bad. It's not scary. I'm embracing it. It's relaxing, to press pause on yourself so someone else can have a turn.

Reality swirls and twirls around you, the ticking of a clock becomes an unbearable tremor. You long, don't even know what exactly you're longing for, only that the feeling is there. After so long of disasociating life in real time drags on and on. It's foreign and uncomfortable.

"You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
They called me the hyacinth girl."
— Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.

You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember
I remember
Those are pearls that were his eyes.
"Are you alive, or not? Is there nothing in your head?"

Saturday, May 12, 2012

d.i.d at the workplace

I started last Monday as a housekeeper at the motel 6. I hadn't worked since i was still pregnant and I'd forgotten just how much having multiple personalities interferes at the workplace. They want me to remember specific room numbers, how many beds were in them, etc. etc. It should be simple, but it isn't. I'll be asked if i've done a specific room and i have no idea without looking at the clipboard where i write down all this information. I've walked into clean rooms I already did twenty minutes ago. And I'm not even having a big problem with disasociating right now. This is just normal. I have to conquer conflicting urges. GO faster, get it over with, take your time, sit on the floor and look at the bug, smoke a cigarette. It's hard to block all that out and just do my job but i can do it. It might take me a little longer, i might do things different than you, but I do it. I am still capable.
   My son is staying with my mom and sister for the time being. He comes home on weekends and I try to see him as much as possible. I don't feel guilty or wrong or anything some people might want me to feel. I know I am doing the right thing for Everett. It's not the cookie cutter life, but there is nothing about me that is even remotely cookie cutter. My babys doing great and healthy and happy. How I choose to raise him is how he needs to be raised, it just looks different.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe they have tattoos and piercings,  maybe they're illegal immigrants, maybe they have mental illness, maybe they're gay, or transgender, either way we're all just trying to make it, same as everybody else, so before you judge remember, we're all the same, we just look different.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Back after only six days inpatient. Just the same way my brain "snaps" into crazy mode it "snaps" back into functioning. While there in kc i learned something pretty interesting, my eyes change colors when i switch. I think that's pretty cool.
Mentally i'm doing much better. Mood is levelled out, no more mania, no more delusions and hallucinations. Big sigh of relief. Emotionally it's a different story. I'm just so sick and tired of everything. I don't want to have to explain myself. I just want to for once get out of this house, it's beautiful, and i keep it clean, all lovely whatever but it gets old. Really really old.I feel like i'm reaching my minimum potential. I feel stifled and tamed and alone and i don't like it one bit. I've never really been happy but i have had alot of fun and that is one thing that i just don't have anymore.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

the sky is crying and everyone can see it

I was discharged early from two rivers hospital due to unexplained medical reasons. I've seen a few doctors and narrowed it down to crazy side effects from some anti-crazy pills I was perscribed. I go back Saturday.      
Everyone (when i use this term it's usually referring to everyone inhabiting my body) is at a loss for words. No lies, just love. (bright eyes, look it up)all these things to be feeling, shame, embarrassment, loss, depression, sadness so deep you can't help but drown in it. I don't feel like i'm disasociating but I don't remember anything either. It's all enveloped in a one huge chorus of "it's all your fault, all your fault, all your fault." Pointed fingers, fat and accusing.  The rats are hungry, the squirrels are screaming. I'm a heavier, slightly wiser, version of myself three years ago. The walk back up is a daunting one. But i'll be damned if i stay like this forever.