I've been putting this one off

   For the past year or so I've been thinking that my "child" alters for the most part were integrated. A fancy word which here means, melted, if you will, back into the core self. i.e. me. The one with the name on the birth certificate. But for the past couple weeks or so i've been living with something I've been taking for granted not having, PAIN. Physical pain. The kind that you feel all the time, a burning sensation in my side that just won't go away. Not when I'm sleeping, not in the shower, not when I've spent all day taking it easy on the couch. It's just there. Like the annoying kid in fifth grade who thinks his constant antics are funny but really they're just annoying as hell. Because of all this physical pain I've been dealing with, it's bringing out alter activity that hasn't been active in a long time. In a world to where losing an hour to a drug addict who manically scrubs the floor and makes a soup, simultaneously checking her veins for ripeness, is, "normal",waking up to sucking your thumb is still pretty bizarre. This is all exasperated by the fact that I can't get in to see my doctor until I pay them money I just don't have right now, errgo I have no meds except my lithium. Great for keeping the icky hallucinations and voices at bay, not so great when i'm so anxcious i can barely keep applesauce down. The 18th is creeping up on me, and the reality that I won't be in san diego for it is settling in. However, at the same time, next monday I have my ultrasound, I'll most likely be finding out the sex of my baby. I'm hoping it's a girl, mainly because I've gotten into the habit of referring to it as "she" and having to switch that automatic pronounciation might be a little tricky. I start work tomorrow, my bf started working this week, things in general are looking pretty good for us. But most of all I'm bringing life into this world and nothing is more exciting than that