Sunday, August 28, 2011

What I'm trying to say, linda, is that there is nothing in your body that lies

Arcade Fire sings

            "my body is a cage, that keeps me dancing from the one i love, but my mind holds the key."

I love this song, and whenever I hear it, I get a prickly feeling on the back of my neck. Music can be like a flashlight, illuminating truths you knew all along but never formed into a complete thought. I've always longed for someone, a physical closeness I can't ever quite achieve.The media tells me it's a man, psychology tells me it's my mother, Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE! 




but who? who do i love? Who is my body keeping me from dancing with?
Myselves. I will never truly see them face to face, hug them, hit them. They are me, and I am them. The only thing that seperates us is that I have a paper trail. I feel this is sad and unfair, I want my son to know and understand them as seperate entities, yet one whole complete mother. I want to hold the little ones. I want to stand alone, apart from them, be able to say I AM ME and mean it, without them in the back of my head.Identity is such a strange thing to begin with. Who are we really? What seperates us from each other? Is it as simple as a body?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

bun in the oven

"The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear. The more I try to erase you the more, the more, the more that you appear."

I'm having a baby boy!  We've tentatively decided on the name Garland.(My modified due date is Christmas Eve.) I was extremely excited to find out the sex, and even way more excited to find out my son is perfectly healthy. So to all of you who berated me for taking possibly harmful medication, when I was just trying to ensure we BOTH stay alive. Suck it!... Had to get that out of the way...
   Since the great news, I have been thinking about what it will mean to raise a man. Even though one of my alters, David, is male, he's more of a computer than an actual alter. He rarely ever comes out, and when he does, it's purely functional, mostly he's in charge of regulating who gets air time, and how much, etc. I do not consider myself a "girly girl". Never have. However, I do consider myself very womanly.I've been told by many different guy friends that I'm not a man,but I'm a dude.
    Even though I am sometimes conflicted on what a real man is, and our media and world around us is definitely conflicted and contradictory about it. I have a very good notion of what a man is not. Probably the only positive thing my father taught me. I know a man is not someone who has to rely on physical and verbal aggression to feel self assured and safe. I know a man is not someone who has to rely on name-calling and insults to make himself feel superior. I know a man is not someone who is worried about being superior. I know a man is someone who loves and respects women, children, the elderly, and anyone of a weaker physical makeup, who would never even consider laying hands on a woman or a child. I know a man is not harsh,  but strong. I know a real man is not someone you fear physical and emotional harm from, but rather, fear disappointing them.
   The more I think about it, and analyze it, I realize even more than teaching specific gender issues, what's more important is teaching the universal value of a PERSON. Something that every single one of us are, no matter our race, gender, sexual orientation, or physical, mental, and environmental handicapps. Boy or girl regardless, I am having a life.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I've been putting this one off

   For the past year or so I've been thinking that my "child" alters for the most part were integrated. A fancy word which here means, melted, if you will, back into the core self. i.e. me. The one with the name on the birth certificate. But for the past couple weeks or so i've been living with something I've been taking for granted not having, PAIN. Physical pain. The kind that you feel all the time, a burning sensation in my side that just won't go away. Not when I'm sleeping, not in the shower, not when I've spent all day taking it easy on the couch. It's just there. Like the annoying kid in fifth grade who thinks his constant antics are funny but really they're just annoying as hell. Because of all this physical pain I've been dealing with, it's bringing out alter activity that hasn't been active in a long time. In a world to where losing an hour to a drug addict who manically scrubs the floor and makes a soup, simultaneously checking her veins for ripeness, is, "normal",waking up to sucking your thumb is still pretty bizarre. This is all exasperated by the fact that I can't get in to see my doctor until I pay them money I just don't have right now, errgo I have no meds except my lithium. Great for keeping the icky hallucinations and voices at bay, not so great when i'm so anxcious i can barely keep applesauce down. The 18th is creeping up on me, and the reality that I won't be in san diego for it is settling in. However, at the same time, next monday I have my ultrasound, I'll most likely be finding out the sex of my baby. I'm hoping it's a girl, mainly because I've gotten into the habit of referring to it as "she" and having to switch that automatic pronounciation might be a little tricky. I start work tomorrow, my bf started working this week, things in general are looking pretty good for us. But most of all I'm bringing life into this world and nothing is more exciting than that