I've been putting this one off

   For the past year or so I've been thinking that my "child" alters for the most part were integrated. A fancy word which here means, melted, if you will, back into the core self. i.e. me. The one with the name on the birth certificate. But for the past couple weeks or so i've been living with something I've been taking for granted not having, PAIN. Physical pain. The kind that you feel all the time, a burning sensation in my side that just won't go away. Not when I'm sleeping, not in the shower, not when I've spent all day taking it easy on the couch. It's just there. Like the annoying kid in fifth grade who thinks his constant antics are funny but really they're just annoying as hell. Because of all this physical pain I've been dealing with, it's bringing out alter activity that hasn't been active in a long time. In a world to where losing an hour to a drug addict who manically scrubs the floor and makes a soup, simultaneously checking her veins for ripeness, is, "normal",waking up to sucking your thumb is still pretty bizarre. This is all exasperated by the fact that I can't get in to see my doctor until I pay them money I just don't have right now, errgo I have no meds except my lithium. Great for keeping the icky hallucinations and voices at bay, not so great when i'm so anxcious i can barely keep applesauce down. The 18th is creeping up on me, and the reality that I won't be in san diego for it is settling in. However, at the same time, next monday I have my ultrasound, I'll most likely be finding out the sex of my baby. I'm hoping it's a girl, mainly because I've gotten into the habit of referring to it as "she" and having to switch that automatic pronounciation might be a little tricky. I start work tomorrow, my bf started working this week, things in general are looking pretty good for us. But most of all I'm bringing life into this world and nothing is more exciting than that

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

A year ago if I was told I have hepatitis C, a disease that could potentially kill me, I would be relieved. Correction, I would be elated. A chance to die soon of natural causes? Sign me up! A complete escape from all this without the guilt towards my family and loved ones for taking my own life? Sounds like a gift from heaven. (apparently i'm feeling religous today) However indeed, having a baby changes everything.
       Today I had to go to the doctor due to the intense pain in my liver i've been having the past week, when i called the dr, they had me come in right away. I've been terrified of many things in my life, but never, ever before have i been afraid to die. And I am terrified. I don't want to just live through my pregnancy to have a safe delivery, I want to live to see my child grow up, their first day of school, maybe even have kids of their own. It's not just me either, all of my personalities feel the same way. Yes, vampire still wants to self harm, and yes, my wild child self still dreams of needles and straws, but there's a general consensus that a baby trumps any possible desire for harmful behaviour. Truthfully, I'm beginning to envy them. Vampires anger, the way she can harness it into doing whatever she wants, or making others do her bidding. Her ability to detach emotion from necessary tasks, and even though my scars up and down my arms and all over my body are from her, I wouldn't be alive today if she wasn't here to protect me. And teenage linda? sometimes I feel like she's more mature than i am. Her ability to deflate a tense situation with a joke, a "whatever dude", her ability to assert herself and communicate exactly what is wrong is an ability i definitely do not possess myself. And even though she uses the wrong channels ( drugs and alcohol) she did what she knew how, to alleviate my pain. Yes, their existence makes me a weirdo, an outcast, a lunie, whatever you wanna call it but without them I would not be here. And I am so grateful for that                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Who would've thought?

It's ironic really.That it takes making a life to value my own. Never have I felt so powerful, so useful, so valuable. Everything that is needed to create life ( minus the sperm donation) is inside my body. I feel like god, and to quote modest mouse " well i am my own damn god! hahahahahahahaha!" Yes, I am weepy, irritable, maddening I'm sure. I spend countless hours watching stupid tv shows that make me cry. However, I feel like xena the warrior princess, an amazonian goddess. I am the lizard king. And I can do anything.

sweet thames run softly til you hear my song, sweet thames run softly for i speak not loud or long...

"you don't seem as crazy as you used to"

This is what my boyfriend tells me a couple days ago. While it's true that I have been less symptomatic than I was when things were very bad, it does not mean my disorder is something I can put on the backburner until it's "crunch time" again. I am always just a frog in a pot of boiling water. I will always be the frog, this is unavoidable, since it all started at an age where I had no choice, it's not going to disappear now that I'm old enough to make my own. The key is to monitor the water temperature.Keep it from boiling too quickly. There are many things going through my mind, different dilemmas, different opinions on how to deal with them. Default is to keep my head down, don't cause trouble, don't ask questions. It works fine until one of them gets fed up with my submissiveness. Finding out I have a chronic lifelong illness that I possibly contracted from my abuser is a very hard piece of information to cope with. Finding out your having a baby with someone who has a very hard time getting their shit together too,also hard to deal with.
           I do not want to be the frog. I am tired of being the frog. But the truth is, even if I made all the right decisions, if I didn't have a substance abuse problem, if I could be assertive when it counts, if I could be happy with my body at all times, if I could just see my  best friend, even from a distance, it would not change the past. I see myself playing the victim and I hate myself for it. They hate me for it. ( They being the other five folks who share my body) My nephews drove crosscountry and I have to physically stop myself from this incredibly strong instinct to go protect them there. 
        Somehow I have to mesh the past and future into a present I can deal with, and dare I say it? Be happy with.

when my brain fails to make comprehensive sentences

sometimes it's better to just let thom yorke do all the talking


"Idioteque"




Who's in bunker, who's in bunker?

Women and children first

Women and children first

Women and children

I'll laugh until my head comes off

I swallow till I burst

Until I burst

Until I..



Who's in bunker, who's in bunker

I've seen too much


I haven't seen enough


You haven't seen enough


I'll laugh until my head comes off

Women and children first

And children first

And children..



Here I'm allowed, everything all of the time


Here I'm allowed, everything all of the time



Ice age coming, ice age coming

Let me hear both sides

Let me hear both sides

Let me hear both..



Ice age coming, ice age coming

Throw me in the fire


Throw me in the fire


Throw me in the..





We're not scaremongering


This is really happening, happening


We're not scaremongering


This is really happening, happening





Mobiles working

Mobiles chirping

Take the money and run

Take the money and run

Take the money..



Here I'm allowed, everything all of the time

Background:

The first of the children

the buzz at the back of my head

You're in the middle of a circle of people and they're all talking about you, negatively, and loudly, what do you do?

This happens often. Except they're not real tangible people that I could slap across the face, pull their hair, call them names, any way of defending myself is only damaging myself. And now there's a baby in me.I was in the car today, there they were. All five of them. Mouse, little linda, teenage linda, vampire, and David. Conversing about me as if I weren't even there, didn't matter. HELLLOOOOOOOOOO I wanted to scream. I can hear you!!!! Talking about what I should do, who i should love, pulling me in five different directions, it's a physical feeling, my cranium literally being pulled. Internally I am shouting at them, but i'm being ignored. Like a child tugging on a preoccupied mother's skirt. Eventually it dies down to whispers, then just a subconscious feeling, that slight pull. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's life and all of it's dreadful implications. Maybe this is just a symptom of a disease that I'm going to have to learn to live well with. Either way. I'm not making it all up.

and now for something so big it changes everything

I just finished yet another mental hospital stint, missing my "two week goal" by a few days. However it really helped, gave perspective on my reality to both me and the one i share my life with. There in Vista's Doctor's office I was informed of some very alarming news. One word. Pregnant. How can I possibly get through a pregnancy when I couldn't even get through a normal day of taking care of just me? ( and five of my buddies who tag along) All these things were racing through my mind, I wasn't given any medication the first full day there and was not present for any of it. It wasn't until i signed a form stating I was planning on terminating a pregnancy was I given my meds and started the process of recovery. again.
            I'm not going to lie, I was going to have an abortion. I thought that I couldn't handle a pregnancy, and while i'm only ten weeks along, i find I'm handling it much better, now that i know the support I will need I will get. A tremendous outpouring from my family, friends, and my other half has left me almost dumbfounded with the almost overwhelming amount of positive attention that I've never really gotten before.
And what will I do about my peculiar situation of sharing my body with not only a baby but five seperate people? I will take it one day at a time. Accept the help I'm offered. Focus completely on me and what it means to be healthy. A desperate situation could very easily turn into a life changing positive one.