sweet thames run softly til you hear my song, sweet thames run softly for i speak not loud or long...

"you don't seem as crazy as you used to"

This is what my boyfriend tells me a couple days ago. While it's true that I have been less symptomatic than I was when things were very bad, it does not mean my disorder is something I can put on the backburner until it's "crunch time" again. I am always just a frog in a pot of boiling water. I will always be the frog, this is unavoidable, since it all started at an age where I had no choice, it's not going to disappear now that I'm old enough to make my own. The key is to monitor the water temperature.Keep it from boiling too quickly. There are many things going through my mind, different dilemmas, different opinions on how to deal with them. Default is to keep my head down, don't cause trouble, don't ask questions. It works fine until one of them gets fed up with my submissiveness. Finding out I have a chronic lifelong illness that I possibly contracted from my abuser is a very hard piece of information to cope with. Finding out your having a baby with someone who has a very hard time getting their shit together too,also hard to deal with.
           I do not want to be the frog. I am tired of being the frog. But the truth is, even if I made all the right decisions, if I didn't have a substance abuse problem, if I could be assertive when it counts, if I could be happy with my body at all times, if I could just see my  best friend, even from a distance, it would not change the past. I see myself playing the victim and I hate myself for it. They hate me for it. ( They being the other five folks who share my body) My nephews drove crosscountry and I have to physically stop myself from this incredibly strong instinct to go protect them there. 
        Somehow I have to mesh the past and future into a present I can deal with, and dare I say it? Be happy with.