It started a little over a couple weeks ago, my most volatile personality, vampire, came out because she was extremely angry at my boyfriend for reasons i don't even remember now. For the past few months she's been slowly but surely letting me in a little bit when she's out. Meaning I get to sort of view what's going on from the balcony, she's in control, but it's not blocked from my memory completely. She was yelling at him, giving him a piece of her mind. By now my boyfriend is very good at recognizing not only when I'm switched,but who is out. He sat down with her, and calmly let her be angry at him. "it's alright," he said. "If you want to call me names, go ahead, I want to know what you think about me. Your opinions are very important to me. I love you and you're special." This stopped her in her tracks, like the angry wind had just gotten knocked out of her. When she is out, it's almost as if I can see my body with her face on it, and i saw her face soften. A very strange concept I know, but this is what it's like for me.
A week or so later, teenage linda was out. While she's possibly the most dominant personality, she's usually pretty good at letting me "watch from the balcony". Not this time. A couple hours later, when I was confused at my puffy, obviously been crying very hard face, Justin explained to me that teenaged linda and he had a very long talk, she was depressed, felt like she wasn't useful anymore, and was confiding in him.
I always have a profound sense of pulling, of disconnectedness in my chest, almost a physical feeling of it. It's not gone, but the past couple weeks it has started to settle. Maybe it's the xanax working a little better than normal, maybe it's the rapture i feel every time my baby boy starts kicking away. But I believe it has a lot more to do with the increased sense of validation that I, and all my other personalities have been feeling.
Oprah Winfrey so poignantly says every person asks the same universal question.
"Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I'm saying matter to you?"
I have not posted on my blog for a while mostly because I've been very ill, fighting for my life, really, but I wanted you to know that I did get your comment and that I appreciate it. I also appreciate you.
ReplyDeleteReading this post one of the things that struck me is that all your parts need to understand they have very important roles in your life. Even if you find yourselves all integrated someday, each part will contribute to the whole. There's no reason anyone should be left behind and actually I think one of the bonuses about integrating, sharing time, or even allowing others to witness times they'd normally be locked out, is it makes everyone involved feel like she/he matters.
Good luck to you.....and my that, I mean all of you!.
ps blogger won't recognize that I am signed in so I must use the anonymous to post but I am MiKael (risingrainbow) from My Clouds, My Storms blog.