"Tra la! It's May!
The lusty month of May
That lovely month when ev'ryone goes
blissfully astray."
It happens. I live my life everyday going through the motions, doing the things I normally do, and then suddenly I realize how dysfunctional I have become. Sometimes I will have thought I was doing so well; I do not notice when this happens until things reach a desperate level, usually. Like, say, when the entire month of May is lost to me. Maybe I just need a little more attention to detail.
Sometimes it is funny. I will find that "I've" done or said things that, while wildly uncharacteristic of the self I identify with, are simply fantastic. Other times I will find evidence recounting horrific or embarrassing occurrences. I suppose that as long as I don't wind up in a 5150 things are okay.
Multiples aside, I am just like the average absent-minded schmuck. Or maybe a blackout drunk. But really though, we all lose things, and everyone dissociates to some degree sometimes (day dreaming, for instance, is a mild form). The truth is that anyone can relate to my symptoms. I, along with anyone else with DID, just take things to an alarming extreme.
Really, the problem lies in the time loss. It isn't exactly safe to dissociate while behind the wheel, now, is it? Although, does anyone honestly remember every moment of his or her morning commute? Things that are so routinely familiar, so simplistic and trivial are often faded out of our minds, replaced by more pleasant thoughts, or maybe anxieties about approaching events, or maybe just blankness. This is normal. Losing an afternoon to an alternate with self-harm tendencies is not.
I will bypass the heavier issues for now. The thing is, each time I dissociate, I lose a little bit of my life. And if I am not living my life, what is the point? Every day I get a little stronger, I learn something.
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