O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

A year ago if I was told I have hepatitis C, a disease that could potentially kill me, I would be relieved. Correction, I would be elated. A chance to die soon of natural causes? Sign me up! A complete escape from all this without the guilt towards my family and loved ones for taking my own life? Sounds like a gift from heaven. (apparently i'm feeling religous today) However indeed, having a baby changes everything.
       Today I had to go to the doctor due to the intense pain in my liver i've been having the past week, when i called the dr, they had me come in right away. I've been terrified of many things in my life, but never, ever before have i been afraid to die. And I am terrified. I don't want to just live through my pregnancy to have a safe delivery, I want to live to see my child grow up, their first day of school, maybe even have kids of their own. It's not just me either, all of my personalities feel the same way. Yes, vampire still wants to self harm, and yes, my wild child self still dreams of needles and straws, but there's a general consensus that a baby trumps any possible desire for harmful behaviour. Truthfully, I'm beginning to envy them. Vampires anger, the way she can harness it into doing whatever she wants, or making others do her bidding. Her ability to detach emotion from necessary tasks, and even though my scars up and down my arms and all over my body are from her, I wouldn't be alive today if she wasn't here to protect me. And teenage linda? sometimes I feel like she's more mature than i am. Her ability to deflate a tense situation with a joke, a "whatever dude", her ability to assert herself and communicate exactly what is wrong is an ability i definitely do not possess myself. And even though she uses the wrong channels ( drugs and alcohol) she did what she knew how, to alleviate my pain. Yes, their existence makes me a weirdo, an outcast, a lunie, whatever you wanna call it but without them I would not be here. And I am so grateful for that                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Who would've thought?

It's ironic really.That it takes making a life to value my own. Never have I felt so powerful, so useful, so valuable. Everything that is needed to create life ( minus the sperm donation) is inside my body. I feel like god, and to quote modest mouse " well i am my own damn god! hahahahahahahaha!" Yes, I am weepy, irritable, maddening I'm sure. I spend countless hours watching stupid tv shows that make me cry. However, I feel like xena the warrior princess, an amazonian goddess. I am the lizard king. And I can do anything.

sweet thames run softly til you hear my song, sweet thames run softly for i speak not loud or long...

"you don't seem as crazy as you used to"

This is what my boyfriend tells me a couple days ago. While it's true that I have been less symptomatic than I was when things were very bad, it does not mean my disorder is something I can put on the backburner until it's "crunch time" again. I am always just a frog in a pot of boiling water. I will always be the frog, this is unavoidable, since it all started at an age where I had no choice, it's not going to disappear now that I'm old enough to make my own. The key is to monitor the water temperature.Keep it from boiling too quickly. There are many things going through my mind, different dilemmas, different opinions on how to deal with them. Default is to keep my head down, don't cause trouble, don't ask questions. It works fine until one of them gets fed up with my submissiveness. Finding out I have a chronic lifelong illness that I possibly contracted from my abuser is a very hard piece of information to cope with. Finding out your having a baby with someone who has a very hard time getting their shit together too,also hard to deal with.
           I do not want to be the frog. I am tired of being the frog. But the truth is, even if I made all the right decisions, if I didn't have a substance abuse problem, if I could be assertive when it counts, if I could be happy with my body at all times, if I could just see my  best friend, even from a distance, it would not change the past. I see myself playing the victim and I hate myself for it. They hate me for it. ( They being the other five folks who share my body) My nephews drove crosscountry and I have to physically stop myself from this incredibly strong instinct to go protect them there. 
        Somehow I have to mesh the past and future into a present I can deal with, and dare I say it? Be happy with.