im the little fish in my own pond

"there's been a disconnect since you got out of the hospital, with me, with your friends even with your mom."

I wish I could contest this but it's spot on. I'm losing so much time i think i'm gonna have to keep a log book of what i'm doing every couple of hours just so i can monitor how much time i am losing. I've cancelled appointments with my therapist, lost money, even whole days without realizing it. It's my life yet i'm not the one calling the shots right now. The scariest part is usually whenever im having a huge problem with disasociating it's because there's new memories trying to surface. I don't need any new memories. The abuse i remember is more than enough for me. Justin works nights so we try and get people to babysit me while he's gone so i don't do anything too irrational. Mostly i find myself just sitting on the couch looking at the tv, not watching it, just staring at it.I don't think I even change the channel.

Judging just by the dreams i've been having the likelihood of my doing something really destructive just keeps escalating. I don't like it but i feel so helpless, i'm the little fish just swimming around, trying to stay out of the way, trying, just to stay.