I should be sleeping, but i'm not. "sleep when the baby sleeps" This is the advice i've gotten most. Except it's not so easy. I've never been a napper. In fact, other than my pregnancy, napping was a skill I could never quit accomplish. I can lay fitfully on the couch for a couple hours, but I need all lights and noise off, doors locked and closed, and nocturnal hours to really get to that wonderful blissfully ignorant place called sleep.
So what does that mean for someone like me? I feel like i'm seventeen again. Lost in a sea of sleep deprivation, depressed, confused, and abandoning all sense of giving a rats ass. Add to this taking care of a newborn. Which it so happens is a 24/7 job. No, i do not have postpartum depression. I am not plagued by images of my baby slamming against a wall, i don't fantasize about leaving my family, this is just me returning to me. All those zen pregnancy hormones have gone.
Again everyone has an opinion, has a task they'd like to take over, a song they want to hear. I'm dancing to six different tunes. It isn't easy, but it's familiar.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Be still and know that I am God
warning: may be offensive to those of monotheistic religions, particularly a judeo christian one
Sometimes, I can think rationally. Even more rarely I actually get around to meditating, when I do a common mantra i use is
"Be still and know that I am God."
Because of it's blatant biblical associations, usually I take off the god part on the end. But it's all good. The whole thing. I know I'm taking it out of context, but each tiny sentence in this sentence is full of wonderful truth.
Be still.
With all the chaos in this world. My family, my new immediate family, my five personalities, I tend to forget to do this. Sometimes I don't need to take another xanax, sometimes I just need to be still. Just breathe. Don't worry about doing anything else but being.
Be still and know.
This is the next good part, i don't need to define what it is I know, purely the fact that I know it. Know that you are capable, know that you have the power, the godness within you to trust your instincts and navigate through whatever waters are testing you.
Be still and know that I am God.
Yes, I'm being blasphemous. I'm not saying that I am the one and only god, i'm saying that there's godness, goodness, genuine love and purity in every living thing. In and of itself everything is as it should. It's always a choice whether made by myself or others that corrupts this.
I say this over and over in my head. Be still and know that I am God.Be still and know that I am God.Be still and know that I am God.
Sometimes, I can think rationally. Even more rarely I actually get around to meditating, when I do a common mantra i use is
"Be still and know that I am God."
Because of it's blatant biblical associations, usually I take off the god part on the end. But it's all good. The whole thing. I know I'm taking it out of context, but each tiny sentence in this sentence is full of wonderful truth.
Be still.
With all the chaos in this world. My family, my new immediate family, my five personalities, I tend to forget to do this. Sometimes I don't need to take another xanax, sometimes I just need to be still. Just breathe. Don't worry about doing anything else but being.
Be still and know.
This is the next good part, i don't need to define what it is I know, purely the fact that I know it. Know that you are capable, know that you have the power, the godness within you to trust your instincts and navigate through whatever waters are testing you.
Be still and know that I am God.
Yes, I'm being blasphemous. I'm not saying that I am the one and only god, i'm saying that there's godness, goodness, genuine love and purity in every living thing. In and of itself everything is as it should. It's always a choice whether made by myself or others that corrupts this.
I say this over and over in my head. Be still and know that I am God.Be still and know that I am God.Be still and know that I am God.
Monday, January 30, 2012
about a boy part two
Afterbirth
Because of the cesearean and general antestethia I didn't get to see my baby right away, I waited almost 6 hours to meet Everett, but when I did, it took my breath away. He was so big. My first thought after a collective mental gasp was "no wonder my pregnancy was so difficult!" I held him and looked at him looking at me, the nurse was saying all these words I did not and could not hear. I was consumed with absolute awe and amazement.
The doctor came in later, we were told how amazingly healthy and well he was doing, we would both only need a couple more days in the hospital. I was relieved and overjoyed that everything was ok.
The next morning i was able to hobble over to the nursery to look at e, the nurse said he had been up since 7 and was crying inconsolably. By noon, she wheeled him into our room and told us she basically couldn't take it anymore. He calmed down considerably with me and justin, then fell into a deep sleep we could not wake him up from. Before I knew it, a doctor from the NICU was telling me he might have to go upstairs with them, he seemed to be withdrawing from my medications. Apparently it can take a good 24 hours after birth for this to start happening. Before I knew it, there was a slough of NICU nurses in our room, prepping him and talking to us about what to expect. The head nurse told us to expect weeks before he could return home. They would have to insert a feeding tube. He would be given phenobarbital to help wean him off of my meds and get him through the withdrawals. Safe to say I was pretty distraught. Luckily for me, I have an incredible therapist that goes above and beyond her professional duties and came to the hospital to talk to me. Needless to say I felt incredibly guilty, it is a personal creed I live by to keep ALL children out of harms way, especially my own, however I had to accept the fact that if I had tried to go through my pregnancy unmedicated, it is likely neither I nor Everett would be here today. Being on medication indefinitely is a fact I have to accept, and reaccept, over and over again.
Everett wasn't in nearly as bad shape as the nurses made it out to be. The only thing they had to use the feeding tube for was to give him his first dose of phenobarbital. He was in there 6 days and nights. Justin stayed with him pretty much 24/7.
The week after
Because I was recovering from a c section, and ended up with an infected uterus, and a dr. who would only give me a very limited supply of pain medication, I wasn't able to see Everett in the hospital nearly enough. I could hardly sleep in my own bed, let alone a hospital one. The first couple nights home my brother came and took care of me, then my mother in law took her turn too. This week is fuzzy for me. I was getting depressed. It's hard to distinguish between normal postpartum hormones and my mental illness symptoms but either way it was a hard week. I barely got to see my baby, or even his dad for that matter, I was in incredible amounts of pain still, but we got through it. Like with labor, it wasn't painfully obvious that I had been disasociating, but now looking back on it, I definitely was.
And now?
Now things are great. Yesterday, Libby left after a week with us helping us with the baby and household stuff, and well just about everything. She really has helped our budding family tremendously. All of our family has. I am so grateful to have all the support that I do.
Everett and I have a great time listening to music, talking, and just generally chillin out together while Justin is at work. He really is an unfathomably easy baby. The three of us are managing just fine. Something I didn't expect? We're having fun doing it.
Because of the cesearean and general antestethia I didn't get to see my baby right away, I waited almost 6 hours to meet Everett, but when I did, it took my breath away. He was so big. My first thought after a collective mental gasp was "no wonder my pregnancy was so difficult!" I held him and looked at him looking at me, the nurse was saying all these words I did not and could not hear. I was consumed with absolute awe and amazement.
The next morning i was able to hobble over to the nursery to look at e, the nurse said he had been up since 7 and was crying inconsolably. By noon, she wheeled him into our room and told us she basically couldn't take it anymore. He calmed down considerably with me and justin, then fell into a deep sleep we could not wake him up from. Before I knew it, a doctor from the NICU was telling me he might have to go upstairs with them, he seemed to be withdrawing from my medications. Apparently it can take a good 24 hours after birth for this to start happening. Before I knew it, there was a slough of NICU nurses in our room, prepping him and talking to us about what to expect. The head nurse told us to expect weeks before he could return home. They would have to insert a feeding tube. He would be given phenobarbital to help wean him off of my meds and get him through the withdrawals. Safe to say I was pretty distraught. Luckily for me, I have an incredible therapist that goes above and beyond her professional duties and came to the hospital to talk to me. Needless to say I felt incredibly guilty, it is a personal creed I live by to keep ALL children out of harms way, especially my own, however I had to accept the fact that if I had tried to go through my pregnancy unmedicated, it is likely neither I nor Everett would be here today. Being on medication indefinitely is a fact I have to accept, and reaccept, over and over again.
The week after
Because I was recovering from a c section, and ended up with an infected uterus, and a dr. who would only give me a very limited supply of pain medication, I wasn't able to see Everett in the hospital nearly enough. I could hardly sleep in my own bed, let alone a hospital one. The first couple nights home my brother came and took care of me, then my mother in law took her turn too. This week is fuzzy for me. I was getting depressed. It's hard to distinguish between normal postpartum hormones and my mental illness symptoms but either way it was a hard week. I barely got to see my baby, or even his dad for that matter, I was in incredible amounts of pain still, but we got through it. Like with labor, it wasn't painfully obvious that I had been disasociating, but now looking back on it, I definitely was.
And now?
Now things are great. Yesterday, Libby left after a week with us helping us with the baby and household stuff, and well just about everything. She really has helped our budding family tremendously. All of our family has. I am so grateful to have all the support that I do.
Everett and I have a great time listening to music, talking, and just generally chillin out together while Justin is at work. He really is an unfathomably easy baby. The three of us are managing just fine. Something I didn't expect? We're having fun doing it.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
about a boy
January 11th at 2:48 am I had my son, Everett Franklin Fowler.
Labour
I went in to be induced at 5 am on the 10th. Justin and i tossed and turned the night before, waiting for the alarm clock to go off at 4 so we could get this show on the road. We had no idea what we were in for. They started the pitosin, I got my epidural, I was contracting regularly, for a couple hours things were looking pretty good. I was in labor for an agonizing twenty hours. My first epidural quickly wore off, my second one i got didn't do anything longer than thirty minutes. I am so grateful for all the support I received while it was all happening, Justin, my mom, my sister dorothy, justin's mom, even my brother were all there by my side the entire time. They all took turns holding my hands and helping me through each contraction, although the last few hours, when i was waiting for my c section I was told I'd be getting, when the pain was so intense I was getting very confused as to what was actually happening, my mother was my saving grace. I had my eyes locked on her, and with her breathing through my contractions with me, assuring me each time my cervix was being checked that it was the doctors helping me and not past trauma reoccuring, somehow I remained grounded in the moment, and made it through. I really thought I wouldn't, but i did.
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I didn't switch as much as i thought I would, although looking back on it, I did more than I thought I was at the time. Either way, we all made it through together.
.JPG)
10 lbs. 6 oz.
and that's all I have to say about that right now.
Labour
I went in to be induced at 5 am on the 10th. Justin and i tossed and turned the night before, waiting for the alarm clock to go off at 4 so we could get this show on the road. We had no idea what we were in for. They started the pitosin, I got my epidural, I was contracting regularly, for a couple hours things were looking pretty good. I was in labor for an agonizing twenty hours. My first epidural quickly wore off, my second one i got didn't do anything longer than thirty minutes. I am so grateful for all the support I received while it was all happening, Justin, my mom, my sister dorothy, justin's mom, even my brother were all there by my side the entire time. They all took turns holding my hands and helping me through each contraction, although the last few hours, when i was waiting for my c section I was told I'd be getting, when the pain was so intense I was getting very confused as to what was actually happening, my mother was my saving grace. I had my eyes locked on her, and with her breathing through my contractions with me, assuring me each time my cervix was being checked that it was the doctors helping me and not past trauma reoccuring, somehow I remained grounded in the moment, and made it through. I really thought I wouldn't, but i did.
.JPG)
I didn't switch as much as i thought I would, although looking back on it, I did more than I thought I was at the time. Either way, we all made it through together.
.JPG)
10 lbs. 6 oz.
and that's all I have to say about that right now.
Friday, January 6, 2012
the waiting game
Well, here i am again. In the death grips of pregnancy insomnia. A different breed from the insomnia that's been as familiar to me as the back of my own hand. This one purely driven by physical discomfort. I'm exhausted, my back aches, sleep seems like it would fall right into my lap, but the minute i lay in bed, my legs get that funny feeling, my hips ache, my mind races, and the good nights sleep always seems just beyond my fingertips that I still can't feel. So i continue my nightly regimen of chamomile tea, homemade rice heating pad, and surfing the web. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch again sometime around 6 am, reawaken at 7 or 8, trudge up the stairs and sleep fitfully til noon.
However the end is near. Actually i thought it would be here already, seeing as i'm 3 days overdue now. But I'm promised by my doctors they won't let a pregnancy prolong past 41 weeks. Which will be tuesday.And everyone is preparing for it. I can't help but wonder how labors going to go. Will i disasociate? will it be completely or will i still get to watch but not control? Which personality will take over if I do? It depends on the amount of pain, and the stress level of the environment around me I suppose.
With everything going on right now I have been in survival mode the past few weeks. I don't brood over my unfolding family drama, my long, hard, pregnancy, in fact I'm pretty out of touch with my own emotions. Losing control is simply not an option. So i really don't even think about any of it. I'm not trapped in my own head, I'm trapped out of it. It would be a nice break if the circumstances were different.
However the end is near. Actually i thought it would be here already, seeing as i'm 3 days overdue now. But I'm promised by my doctors they won't let a pregnancy prolong past 41 weeks. Which will be tuesday.And everyone is preparing for it. I can't help but wonder how labors going to go. Will i disasociate? will it be completely or will i still get to watch but not control? Which personality will take over if I do? It depends on the amount of pain, and the stress level of the environment around me I suppose.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
oh despondency, how you nag at me.
that strange moment when you look in the mirror and it's your brother staring back at you. That overly sentimental " i know what you're going through" phrase turned staggeringly appropriate.
That even stranger moment when the mirror reflects your face, only it's different, more aggressive, the eyes give it away. I lost time for the first time in months last night, and honestly, it felt good.
That even stranger moment when the mirror reflects your face, only it's different, more aggressive, the eyes give it away. I lost time for the first time in months last night, and honestly, it felt good.
Friday, December 23, 2011
rated W for whiney
warning: using this post to indulge myself in complaining and venting. Expletives are abundant. As my hands are too swollen to hold a pen to write in my journal.
Pregnancy sucks. All three trimesters. The "honeymoon" phase? What idiot came up with that load of bs? I really, truly do not understand women who can do this more than once. Or the ones who can gracefully walk through the grocery store, hair perfect, full makeup, reapplying and reapplying their lipgloss. fuck them. Also all the nymphy, "natural moms" that are on book covers and up at 6 am to go to the farmers market, not gaining a pound the whole time due to their oh so healthy diets, hair just messy enough so you know they don't put any chemicals or products anywhere NEAR their baby. One hand on the glowing belly so everyone knows it's the most wonderful thing in the world, like it's not totally throwing your body off balance and making you clumsier then you were in the 3rd grade.
As a soon mommy to be in this 2011 era of parenting, there is definitely a certain pressure to appear completely satisfied by your own bodys betrayal of you. Ask me how i'm doing? I'll smile, probably say i'm miserable. Probably make a joke i think is witty but just comes out as bitchy. But what I really want to say is
I CAN NOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! IM FIGURATIVELY AND SOMETIMES LITERALLY PULLING MY HAIR OUT! I HAVE TO TAKE BREAKS FROM TYPING THIS BLOG BECAUSE MY FINGERS ARE NUMB, MY EARS HAVE BEEN RINGING FOR TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT , THIS IS CRAZINESS! I WANT IT TO STOP I WANT IT TO STOP I WANT IT TO STOP!!!!
But that's not so nice now is it? It's not that i don't love my baby, believe me, after all this by the time he's borne we'll have memories together that go waaay back. I desperately want to love and hold and take care of my son, but i'd like to do it outside my body now please.I want to be able to fall asleep blissfully with my boyfriend when we have a snugglenight and it's the moon and the stars and the lovegod shining down on us, but my arms swell up and ache so bad i have to, just have to get out of bed. Even this christmas lover is now starting to warm up to scrooge and declare "bah humbug."
Pregnancy sucks. All three trimesters. The "honeymoon" phase? What idiot came up with that load of bs? I really, truly do not understand women who can do this more than once. Or the ones who can gracefully walk through the grocery store, hair perfect, full makeup, reapplying and reapplying their lipgloss. fuck them. Also all the nymphy, "natural moms" that are on book covers and up at 6 am to go to the farmers market, not gaining a pound the whole time due to their oh so healthy diets, hair just messy enough so you know they don't put any chemicals or products anywhere NEAR their baby. One hand on the glowing belly so everyone knows it's the most wonderful thing in the world, like it's not totally throwing your body off balance and making you clumsier then you were in the 3rd grade.
As a soon mommy to be in this 2011 era of parenting, there is definitely a certain pressure to appear completely satisfied by your own bodys betrayal of you. Ask me how i'm doing? I'll smile, probably say i'm miserable. Probably make a joke i think is witty but just comes out as bitchy. But what I really want to say is
I CAN NOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! IM FIGURATIVELY AND SOMETIMES LITERALLY PULLING MY HAIR OUT! I HAVE TO TAKE BREAKS FROM TYPING THIS BLOG BECAUSE MY FINGERS ARE NUMB, MY EARS HAVE BEEN RINGING FOR TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT , THIS IS CRAZINESS! I WANT IT TO STOP I WANT IT TO STOP I WANT IT TO STOP!!!!
But that's not so nice now is it? It's not that i don't love my baby, believe me, after all this by the time he's borne we'll have memories together that go waaay back. I desperately want to love and hold and take care of my son, but i'd like to do it outside my body now please.I want to be able to fall asleep blissfully with my boyfriend when we have a snugglenight and it's the moon and the stars and the lovegod shining down on us, but my arms swell up and ache so bad i have to, just have to get out of bed. Even this christmas lover is now starting to warm up to scrooge and declare "bah humbug."
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