The effectiveness of my ambien is starting to wean off again. This is not a good time to not be able to sleep.
I am now 35 weeks pregnant.That's roughly 35 more days until my baby gets here. Maybe I'll be lucky and he'll come a.s.a.h.p. (as soon as health permits. i just made it up.) I know to some extent I'm only kidding myself when i assume that things will be so much easier after giving birth, and this awful thing called pregnancy is over. ( go hug your mom. she had to do it for you.) I know there will be many many more nights of no sleep, that a rock attached to my abdomen turning into a real live baby with incessant needs is not going to be any less of an inconvenience. But I'd like to think it would be easier for me to handle. It somehow seems so much more logical that the burden of someone else's problems is way less of a burden.
I am so over my own shit. I want to wash my hands of it. Over the migraines, the backaches, the hormonal rages that make my bipolar diagnosis laughable. Over my childhood, my depression, my repression, my illnesses.
Here universe. You can take it all. I am done with it.
However it's nowhere near over. The little gnats and mosquitoes gnaw at my brain and the big things smack me in the face. I cannot stand the noise of electronics plugged in and not being used that make a sound, they remind me of left on amplifiers and guitar equipment.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. and it is. and i am very very very angry.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
sacrifice
as i sit alone in a crowded room of other moms and moms to be i wonder:
how many men would do the same?
backs aching in ugly red plastic
hardly
accomodating a swollen pregnant behind.
doing their best to make small talk through screaming toddlers and language barriers. not one face is scowling,
no complaints, only exasperated laughter.
show me a man who would happily do this alone for
one?, two?, three?
hours without
"bitching like a woman"
go ahead.
i dare you.
how many men would do the same?
backs aching in ugly red plastic
hardly
accomodating a swollen pregnant behind.
doing their best to make small talk through screaming toddlers and language barriers. not one face is scowling,
no complaints, only exasperated laughter.
show me a man who would happily do this alone for
one?, two?, three?
hours without
"bitching like a woman"
go ahead.
i dare you.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
"Quis hic locus? Quae regio? Quae mundis plaga?
What world is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worlds?
I am entering new territory. A world I have never been before, one where I am left to deal with the ups and downs, the infuriating and the confusing, all with only my thoughts in my head. Never before have I considered how lonely and isolating it must be to be normal. To not have other people inside you who can just take over when the going gets tough. I am learning all too quickly. To be honest, I do not like it. I do not like having all 24 hours in my day. I do not like making decisions without an agreement, protest, or rebuttal from somewhere deep inside my being. The only break i've gotten in the past three weeks is when I got a birthday card in the mail from my dad. I watched from the balcony as it was burnt to a crisp in my kitchen sink, eminem blasting so loudly on the stereo that my ears hurt when i "came to". But that is all.....What shall we do tomorrow? what shall we ever do?...
It began with the false supposition that my therapist was getting married, they went silent. I was deserted. Even now, after finding out it wasn't true, I still feel deserted and abandoned. It doesn't help that my boyfriend is sometimes wonderful and engaging, sometimes distant, but the greatest distance of all is the one between my best friend and I. The one I'm constantly, painfully aware of. She is there, and I am here, and as much as i want to, i cannot will the distance together. My loneliness, or "aloneness" is somewhat thrilling, albeit daunting. An adventure of sorts. I will undergo this one, holding my own hand, just as i always have, and just as i always will.
Friday, September 9, 2011
losing time, a d.i.d malady turned positive?
There's been alot of alter activity lately for me. However, it's starting to shift from a sinking feeling afterwards to a calm and tranquil one, much like the ocean i miss so much.
It started a little over a couple weeks ago, my most volatile personality, vampire, came out because she was extremely angry at my boyfriend for reasons i don't even remember now. For the past few months she's been slowly but surely letting me in a little bit when she's out. Meaning I get to sort of view what's going on from the balcony, she's in control, but it's not blocked from my memory completely. She was yelling at him, giving him a piece of her mind. By now my boyfriend is very good at recognizing not only when I'm switched,but who is out. He sat down with her, and calmly let her be angry at him. "it's alright," he said. "If you want to call me names, go ahead, I want to know what you think about me. Your opinions are very important to me. I love you and you're special." This stopped her in her tracks, like the angry wind had just gotten knocked out of her. When she is out, it's almost as if I can see my body with her face on it, and i saw her face soften. A very strange concept I know, but this is what it's like for me.
A week or so later, teenage linda was out. While she's possibly the most dominant personality, she's usually pretty good at letting me "watch from the balcony". Not this time. A couple hours later, when I was confused at my puffy, obviously been crying very hard face, Justin explained to me that teenaged linda and he had a very long talk, she was depressed, felt like she wasn't useful anymore, and was confiding in him.
I always have a profound sense of pulling, of disconnectedness in my chest, almost a physical feeling of it. It's not gone, but the past couple weeks it has started to settle. Maybe it's the xanax working a little better than normal, maybe it's the rapture i feel every time my baby boy starts kicking away. But I believe it has a lot more to do with the increased sense of validation that I, and all my other personalities have been feeling.
Oprah Winfrey so poignantly says every person asks the same universal question.
It started a little over a couple weeks ago, my most volatile personality, vampire, came out because she was extremely angry at my boyfriend for reasons i don't even remember now. For the past few months she's been slowly but surely letting me in a little bit when she's out. Meaning I get to sort of view what's going on from the balcony, she's in control, but it's not blocked from my memory completely. She was yelling at him, giving him a piece of her mind. By now my boyfriend is very good at recognizing not only when I'm switched,but who is out. He sat down with her, and calmly let her be angry at him. "it's alright," he said. "If you want to call me names, go ahead, I want to know what you think about me. Your opinions are very important to me. I love you and you're special." This stopped her in her tracks, like the angry wind had just gotten knocked out of her. When she is out, it's almost as if I can see my body with her face on it, and i saw her face soften. A very strange concept I know, but this is what it's like for me.
A week or so later, teenage linda was out. While she's possibly the most dominant personality, she's usually pretty good at letting me "watch from the balcony". Not this time. A couple hours later, when I was confused at my puffy, obviously been crying very hard face, Justin explained to me that teenaged linda and he had a very long talk, she was depressed, felt like she wasn't useful anymore, and was confiding in him.
I always have a profound sense of pulling, of disconnectedness in my chest, almost a physical feeling of it. It's not gone, but the past couple weeks it has started to settle. Maybe it's the xanax working a little better than normal, maybe it's the rapture i feel every time my baby boy starts kicking away. But I believe it has a lot more to do with the increased sense of validation that I, and all my other personalities have been feeling.
Oprah Winfrey so poignantly says every person asks the same universal question.
"Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I'm saying matter to you?"
Sunday, August 28, 2011
What I'm trying to say, linda, is that there is nothing in your body that lies
Arcade Fire sings
"my body is a cage, that keeps me dancing from the one i love, but my mind holds the key."
I love this song, and whenever I hear it, I get a prickly feeling on the back of my neck. Music can be like a flashlight, illuminating truths you knew all along but never formed into a complete thought. I've always longed for someone, a physical closeness I can't ever quite achieve.The media tells me it's a man, psychology tells me it's my mother, Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!
but who? who do i love? Who is my body keeping me from dancing with?
Myselves. I will never truly see them face to face, hug them, hit them. They are me, and I am them. The only thing that seperates us is that I have a paper trail. I feel this is sad and unfair, I want my son to know and understand them as seperate entities, yet one whole complete mother. I want to hold the little ones. I want to stand alone, apart from them, be able to say I AM ME and mean it, without them in the back of my head.Identity is such a strange thing to begin with. Who are we really? What seperates us from each other? Is it as simple as a body?
"my body is a cage, that keeps me dancing from the one i love, but my mind holds the key."
I love this song, and whenever I hear it, I get a prickly feeling on the back of my neck. Music can be like a flashlight, illuminating truths you knew all along but never formed into a complete thought. I've always longed for someone, a physical closeness I can't ever quite achieve.The media tells me it's a man, psychology tells me it's my mother, Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!
but who? who do i love? Who is my body keeping me from dancing with?
Myselves. I will never truly see them face to face, hug them, hit them. They are me, and I am them. The only thing that seperates us is that I have a paper trail. I feel this is sad and unfair, I want my son to know and understand them as seperate entities, yet one whole complete mother. I want to hold the little ones. I want to stand alone, apart from them, be able to say I AM ME and mean it, without them in the back of my head.Identity is such a strange thing to begin with. Who are we really? What seperates us from each other? Is it as simple as a body?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
bun in the oven
"The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear. The more I try to erase you the more, the more, the more that you appear."
I'm having a baby boy! We've tentatively decided on the name Garland.(My modified due date is Christmas Eve.) I was extremely excited to find out the sex, and even way more excited to find out my son is perfectly healthy. So to all of you who berated me for taking possibly harmful medication, when I was just trying to ensure we BOTH stay alive. Suck it!... Had to get that out of the way...
Since the great news, I have been thinking about what it will mean to raise a man. Even though one of my alters, David, is male, he's more of a computer than an actual alter. He rarely ever comes out, and when he does, it's purely functional, mostly he's in charge of regulating who gets air time, and how much, etc. I do not consider myself a "girly girl". Never have. However, I do consider myself very womanly.I've been told by many different guy friends that I'm not a man,but I'm a dude.
Even though I am sometimes conflicted on what a real man is, and our media and world around us is definitely conflicted and contradictory about it. I have a very good notion of what a man is not. Probably the only positive thing my father taught me. I know a man is not someone who has to rely on physical and verbal aggression to feel self assured and safe. I know a man is not someone who has to rely on name-calling and insults to make himself feel superior. I know a man is not someone who is worried about being superior. I know a man is someone who loves and respects women, children, the elderly, and anyone of a weaker physical makeup, who would never even consider laying hands on a woman or a child. I know a man is not harsh, but strong. I know a real man is not someone you fear physical and emotional harm from, but rather, fear disappointing them.
The more I think about it, and analyze it, I realize even more than teaching specific gender issues, what's more important is teaching the universal value of a PERSON. Something that every single one of us are, no matter our race, gender, sexual orientation, or physical, mental, and environmental handicapps. Boy or girl regardless, I am having a life.
I'm having a baby boy! We've tentatively decided on the name Garland.(My modified due date is Christmas Eve.) I was extremely excited to find out the sex, and even way more excited to find out my son is perfectly healthy. So to all of you who berated me for taking possibly harmful medication, when I was just trying to ensure we BOTH stay alive. Suck it!... Had to get that out of the way...
Since the great news, I have been thinking about what it will mean to raise a man. Even though one of my alters, David, is male, he's more of a computer than an actual alter. He rarely ever comes out, and when he does, it's purely functional, mostly he's in charge of regulating who gets air time, and how much, etc. I do not consider myself a "girly girl". Never have. However, I do consider myself very womanly.I've been told by many different guy friends that I'm not a man,but I'm a dude.
Even though I am sometimes conflicted on what a real man is, and our media and world around us is definitely conflicted and contradictory about it. I have a very good notion of what a man is not. Probably the only positive thing my father taught me. I know a man is not someone who has to rely on physical and verbal aggression to feel self assured and safe. I know a man is not someone who has to rely on name-calling and insults to make himself feel superior. I know a man is not someone who is worried about being superior. I know a man is someone who loves and respects women, children, the elderly, and anyone of a weaker physical makeup, who would never even consider laying hands on a woman or a child. I know a man is not harsh, but strong. I know a real man is not someone you fear physical and emotional harm from, but rather, fear disappointing them.
The more I think about it, and analyze it, I realize even more than teaching specific gender issues, what's more important is teaching the universal value of a PERSON. Something that every single one of us are, no matter our race, gender, sexual orientation, or physical, mental, and environmental handicapps. Boy or girl regardless, I am having a life.
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