about a boy part two

Afterbirth
Because of the cesearean and general antestethia I didn't get to see my  baby right away, I waited almost 6 hours to meet Everett, but when I did, it took my breath away. He was so big. My first thought after a collective mental gasp was "no wonder my pregnancy was so difficult!" I held him and looked at him looking at me, the nurse was saying all these words I did not and could not hear. I was consumed with absolute awe and amazement.

The doctor came in later, we were told how amazingly healthy and well he was doing, we would both only need a couple more days in the hospital. I was relieved and overjoyed that everything was ok.
The next morning i was able to hobble over to the nursery to look at e, the nurse said he had been up since 7 and was crying inconsolably. By noon, she wheeled him into our room and told us she basically couldn't take it anymore. He calmed down considerably with me and justin, then fell into a deep sleep we could not wake him up from. Before I knew it, a doctor from the NICU was telling me he might have to go upstairs with them, he seemed to be withdrawing from my medications. Apparently it can take a good 24 hours after birth for this to start happening. Before I knew it, there was a slough of NICU nurses in our room, prepping him and talking to us about what to expect. The head nurse told us to expect weeks before he could return home. They would have to insert a feeding tube. He would be given phenobarbital to help wean him off of my meds and get him through the withdrawals. Safe to say I was pretty distraught. Luckily for me, I have an incredible therapist that goes above and beyond her professional duties and came to the hospital to talk to me. Needless to say I felt incredibly guilty, it is a personal creed I live by to keep ALL children out of harms way, especially my own, however I had to accept the fact that if I had tried to go through my pregnancy unmedicated, it is likely neither I nor Everett would be here today. Being on medication indefinitely is a fact I have to accept, and reaccept, over and over again.

       Everett wasn't in nearly as bad shape as the nurses made it out to be. The only thing they had to use the feeding tube for was to give him his first dose of phenobarbital. He was in there 6 days and nights. Justin stayed with him pretty much 24/7.

The week after
Because I was recovering from a c section, and ended up with an infected uterus, and a dr. who would only give me a very limited supply of pain medication, I wasn't able to see Everett in the hospital nearly enough. I could hardly sleep in my own bed, let alone a hospital one. The first couple nights home my brother came and took care of me, then my mother in law took her turn too. This week is fuzzy for me. I was getting depressed. It's hard to distinguish between normal postpartum hormones and my mental illness symptoms but either way it was a hard week. I barely got to see my baby, or even his dad for that matter, I was in incredible amounts of pain still, but we got through it. Like with labor, it wasn't painfully obvious that I had been disasociating, but now looking back on it, I definitely was.

And now?
Now things are great. Yesterday, Libby left after a week with us helping us with the baby and household stuff, and well just about everything. She really has helped our budding family tremendously. All of our family has. I am so grateful to have all the support that I do.


Everett and I have a great time listening to music, talking, and just generally chillin out together while Justin is at work. He really is an unfathomably easy baby. The three of us are managing just fine. Something I didn't expect? We're having fun doing it. 

about a boy

January 11th at 2:48 am I had my son, Everett Franklin Fowler.

Labour
I went in to be induced at 5 am on the 10th. Justin and i tossed and turned the night before, waiting for the alarm clock to go off at 4 so we could get this show on the road. We had no idea what we were in for. They started the pitosin, I got my epidural, I was contracting regularly, for a couple hours things were looking pretty good. I was in labor for an agonizing twenty hours. My first epidural quickly wore off, my second one i got didn't do anything longer than thirty minutes. I am so grateful for all the support I received while it was all happening, Justin, my mom, my sister dorothy, justin's mom, even my brother were all there by my side the entire time. They all took turns holding my hands and helping me through each contraction, although the last few hours, when i was waiting for my c section I was told I'd be getting, when the pain was so intense I was getting very confused as to what was actually happening, my mother was my saving grace. I had my eyes locked on her, and with her breathing through my contractions with me, assuring me each time my cervix was being checked that it was the doctors helping me and not past trauma reoccuring, somehow I remained grounded in the moment, and made it through. I really thought I wouldn't, but i did.

I didn't switch as much as i thought I would, although looking back on it, I did more than I thought I was at the time. Either way, we all made it through together.

10 lbs. 6 oz.
and that's all I have to say about that right now.

the waiting game

Well, here i am again. In the death grips of pregnancy insomnia. A different breed from the insomnia that's been as familiar to me as the back of my own hand. This one purely driven by physical discomfort. I'm exhausted, my back aches, sleep seems like it would fall right into my lap, but the minute i lay in bed, my legs get that funny feeling, my hips ache, my mind races, and the good nights sleep always seems just beyond my fingertips that I still can't feel. So i continue my nightly regimen of chamomile tea, homemade rice heating pad, and surfing the web. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch again sometime around 6 am, reawaken at 7 or 8, trudge up the stairs and sleep fitfully til noon.
      However the end is near. Actually i thought it would be here already, seeing as i'm 3 days overdue now. But I'm promised by my doctors they won't let a pregnancy prolong past 41 weeks. Which will be tuesday.And everyone is preparing for it. I can't help but wonder how labors going to go. Will i disasociate? will it be completely or will i still get to watch but not control? Which personality will take over if I do? It depends on the amount of pain, and the stress level of the environment around me I suppose.

     With everything going on right now I have been in survival mode the past few weeks. I don't brood over my unfolding family drama, my long, hard, pregnancy, in fact I'm pretty out of touch with my own emotions. Losing control is simply not an option. So i really don't even think about any of it. I'm not trapped in my own head, I'm trapped out of it. It would be a nice break if the circumstances were different.