Monday, December 12, 2011

no witty title necessary

Being sick last week has really thrown my sleeping schedule off.I know, i know, i know. "Just wait til you have your baby, you'll forget what a regular sleeping pattern even is. " I am aware. I'd also like to fall asleep before 5 am while i'm still sans baby.
It's been a strange couple of weeks. I won't go into details out of respect for someone very near and dear to my heart, but I'd be lying if this whole thing wasn't throwing me for a loop. On top of raging hormones, I still have disasociative identity disorder. It is there, and it will be there no matter what's currently happening in my life and this is a fact i've come to terms with. And lately it's been flaring up like a bad case of gout. They call it mental illness for a reason you know. My most troublesome alter,vampire, is having a very hard time coping with alot of things. From a psychoanalytical standpoint it makes perfect sense. We've been made painfully aware of things that are just plain disgusting, right at the advent of the beautiful child that's coming soon. (!) So it makes sense that the angry, protective personality is having a hard time dealing. Which means I occasionally have "bugs in my hair and crawling on me", and upon awakening from a nap i didn't know i was taking I'm usually overcome with this incredible fury. Usually directed at my boyfriend, which sucks because we are actually in a very good place right now. I never wake up with any particular reason to be overcome with such hatred for him, other than his genitalia. Men are a threat. Men are bad. They must be elimenated. I pick fights and say cold, callous, downright cruel things in such a condescending tone I almost can't believe it's coming out of my mouth, the occasional snarl escapes as well. I'm not just being "bitchy". I'm starting to get the gist of what's really going on. Peeling back the layers of the onion that stings so good. A good session with Dr. a would really help this along i believe, but especially this time of year, and a belly so big I literally cannot drive myself, making our schedules match has become a bit of a challenge.
Forest comes back on the 20th. I can't wait. I always feel like i'm at my best when my brother's around. I am so very excited for the baby boy that's coming. But i'd like to devote this next section to the baby boy's already here. My nephews.

River and I have finally come to a bonding place. I'd say it's perfect timing. you gotta give love to get it with riv, and I know a large part of his life, I just wasn't that much a part of hislife. Now he's graciously letting me in bit by bit and I love all his eccentricities. Medical difficulties and all. In fact I feel that we have a special bond there as well.

Now Liam and I go way back. I actually lived with him for a large part of his baby years (sorry dorothy for all the trouble i was). But something about Liam always brings me back to where I need to be. Very few people can ground me the way he can. Someday I'll get to tell him that by 3 years old he'd already saved my life multiple times. Before i became pregnant myself, I seriously doubted my ability to have children, also doubted that the love for my nephews could possibly even come close to being topped by another child. I am so excited for everett to meet his cousins, and for me to meet the most likely spitfire personality he will have.

I guess the moral of the story is, no matter how irritating 5 am bedtimes can be, it is one night closer to meeting my baby.

5 comments:

  1. i am so excited for everett to meet you. you are one of the bravest women i know. and i love you.

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  2. Wow. Youre amazing. We need to talk more often! You will be a wonderful mother!
    -viviana

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  3. I love you linda. I was reading thru some of our old letters. I miss you and u are going to b an amazing momma :)

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