when my brain fails to make comprehensive sentences

sometimes it's better to just let thom yorke do all the talking


"Idioteque"




Who's in bunker, who's in bunker?

Women and children first

Women and children first

Women and children

I'll laugh until my head comes off

I swallow till I burst

Until I burst

Until I..



Who's in bunker, who's in bunker

I've seen too much


I haven't seen enough


You haven't seen enough


I'll laugh until my head comes off

Women and children first

And children first

And children..



Here I'm allowed, everything all of the time


Here I'm allowed, everything all of the time



Ice age coming, ice age coming

Let me hear both sides

Let me hear both sides

Let me hear both..



Ice age coming, ice age coming

Throw me in the fire


Throw me in the fire


Throw me in the..





We're not scaremongering


This is really happening, happening


We're not scaremongering


This is really happening, happening





Mobiles working

Mobiles chirping

Take the money and run

Take the money and run

Take the money..



Here I'm allowed, everything all of the time

Background:

The first of the children

the buzz at the back of my head

You're in the middle of a circle of people and they're all talking about you, negatively, and loudly, what do you do?

This happens often. Except they're not real tangible people that I could slap across the face, pull their hair, call them names, any way of defending myself is only damaging myself. And now there's a baby in me.I was in the car today, there they were. All five of them. Mouse, little linda, teenage linda, vampire, and David. Conversing about me as if I weren't even there, didn't matter. HELLLOOOOOOOOOO I wanted to scream. I can hear you!!!! Talking about what I should do, who i should love, pulling me in five different directions, it's a physical feeling, my cranium literally being pulled. Internally I am shouting at them, but i'm being ignored. Like a child tugging on a preoccupied mother's skirt. Eventually it dies down to whispers, then just a subconscious feeling, that slight pull. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's life and all of it's dreadful implications. Maybe this is just a symptom of a disease that I'm going to have to learn to live well with. Either way. I'm not making it all up.

and now for something so big it changes everything

I just finished yet another mental hospital stint, missing my "two week goal" by a few days. However it really helped, gave perspective on my reality to both me and the one i share my life with. There in Vista's Doctor's office I was informed of some very alarming news. One word. Pregnant. How can I possibly get through a pregnancy when I couldn't even get through a normal day of taking care of just me? ( and five of my buddies who tag along) All these things were racing through my mind, I wasn't given any medication the first full day there and was not present for any of it. It wasn't until i signed a form stating I was planning on terminating a pregnancy was I given my meds and started the process of recovery. again.
            I'm not going to lie, I was going to have an abortion. I thought that I couldn't handle a pregnancy, and while i'm only ten weeks along, i find I'm handling it much better, now that i know the support I will need I will get. A tremendous outpouring from my family, friends, and my other half has left me almost dumbfounded with the almost overwhelming amount of positive attention that I've never really gotten before.
And what will I do about my peculiar situation of sharing my body with not only a baby but five seperate people? I will take it one day at a time. Accept the help I'm offered. Focus completely on me and what it means to be healthy. A desperate situation could very easily turn into a life changing positive one.