the sky is crying and everyone can see it

I was discharged early from two rivers hospital due to unexplained medical reasons. I've seen a few doctors and narrowed it down to crazy side effects from some anti-crazy pills I was perscribed. I go back Saturday.      
Everyone (when i use this term it's usually referring to everyone inhabiting my body) is at a loss for words. No lies, just love. (bright eyes, look it up)all these things to be feeling, shame, embarrassment, loss, depression, sadness so deep you can't help but drown in it. I don't feel like i'm disasociating but I don't remember anything either. It's all enveloped in a one huge chorus of "it's all your fault, all your fault, all your fault." Pointed fingers, fat and accusing.  The rats are hungry, the squirrels are screaming. I'm a heavier, slightly wiser, version of myself three years ago. The walk back up is a daunting one. But i'll be damned if i stay like this forever.

on my way to hospital stay number 5. surprised?dont be. its another notch in my belt. at this rate of almost two hospitilizations per year by the time im 40 ill need a new belt. already im desperately homesick. desperately despondent. Even if i dont continue the cycle of abuse i continue the cycle of pain to those closest to me. no good no good no good. i am no good.